7 Signs Your Marriage Needs Professional Help (And What to Do Next)

Every marriage has its ups and downs. It's normal to have disagreements, to feel frustrated with your partner from time to time, and to go through periods where you don't feel as connected as you'd like. But how do you know when your problems have crossed the line from normal marital challenges to something more serious? How do you know when it's time to seek professional help?

Many couples wait too long to get help for their marriage. In fact, according to renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, the average couple waits six years after problems begin to seek counseling. By that time, negative patterns have become deeply entrenched, and it can be much more difficult to turn things around.

If you're wondering whether your marriage could benefit from professional help, here are seven signs to look for:

1. You're Having the Same Fights Over and Over

Do you and your partner seem to be stuck in a loop, having the same arguments about the same issues without ever reaching a resolution? This is a classic sign that you're not communicating effectively and that you need help breaking out of a negative cycle.

2. You Feel Contempt for Your Partner

Contempt is one of Dr. John Gottman's "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" – four communication patterns that are so destructive that they can predict divorce with a high degree of accuracy. Contempt is a feeling of disgust or a lack of respect for your partner, and it can manifest as sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, or hostile humor. If you find yourself feeling contempt for your partner, it's a serious red flag that your marriage is in trouble.

3. You're Avoiding Each Other

Do you and your partner go out of your way to avoid spending time together? Do you find yourselves living separate lives, more like roommates than romantic partners? This emotional distance is a sign that you've lost your connection and that you need help finding your way back to each other.

4. You're Keeping Secrets

Trust is the foundation of a healthy marriage. If you or your partner are keeping secrets from each other – whether it's about finances, friendships, or anything else – it's a sign that trust has been broken and that you need help rebuilding it.

5. You've Stopped Having Sex

While it's normal for the frequency of sex to ebb and flow in a long-term relationship, a complete lack of intimacy can be a sign of deeper problems. If you and your partner have stopped having sex, or if sex has become a source of conflict or anxiety, it's a sign that you need to address the underlying issues in your relationship.

6. You're Thinking About Having an Affair

If you find yourself fantasizing about being with someone else, or if you've started to develop an emotional or physical connection with someone outside of your marriage, it's a clear sign that your needs are not being met in your relationship and that you need to seek help.

7. You Feel Hopeless About the Future

If you've lost hope that things can ever get better in your marriage, it's time to seek professional help. A trained relationship coach or therapist can provide you with a fresh perspective, new tools, and a renewed sense of hope for the future.

What to Do Next

If you recognize your marriage in one or more of these signs, don't despair. There is hope. The first step is to talk to your partner about your concerns and to suggest that you seek professional help together. This can be a difficult conversation to have, but it's a crucial first step.

When you're looking for a professional, it's important to find someone who is a good fit for you and your partner. You may want to consider a relationship coach, who can provide you with practical skills and strategies for improving your communication and connection, or a therapist, who can help you to heal past wounds and address deeper emotional issues.

No matter who you choose, the most important thing is that you take action. Your marriage is worth fighting for, and with the right help, you can create a stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationship for the future.