What Engaged Couples Do Right

3 of my clients have gotten engaged in the last six weeks.

One just over the weekend. All the guys got down on one knee, all the girls got beautiful rings, and there were big smiles and joyful energy all around.

That got me thinking about a concept we use in Relationship Training called future pacing—which is simply fantasizing an exciting, compelling future in your mind and chasing it. Relentlessly.

These happy couples are the perfect example of how powerful this idea can be. They jointly created a vision of a big, meaningful future together, and pursuing that outcome has completely taken over their sensory awareness, moods  and—maybe most importantly—how they treat each other.

And for the first time, they instinctively began to develop a “cradle-to-grave” overview of their lives. They’re reflecting on how they became the people they are today, and they’re beginning to imagine how they want the rest of their story to go. The future has become way more compelling than the present, and the past? A distant memory.

Of course, there are a million challenges on the path to “happily ever after”… but here’s what’s different:

Their focus is on what’s possible, not what’s broken.

Their thinking is toward pleasure, not away from pain.

They are actively chasing what they want, not avoiding what they fear.

And that got me wondering— what if we all did that? What if we could apply the same mindset not just to marriage, but to everything that matters in our lives—work, kids, health, finances, travel, education, retirement?

Here’s why it would work.

The Sanity Test No One Talks About

The only way to tell if a thought is truly useful—or insane, figuratively speaking—isn’t to compare it to the present.

It’s to compare it to the future that you want.

If your goal doesn’t hold more emotional weight than your current state, you’ll stay stuck. Period.

The future fantasy—the emotional validity of the goal—has to have more leverage on you than whatever is happening right now. How you want to feel in the future is more compelling than taking your emotional temperature now.

That’s the only way change happens.

Yes, I know: hormones, blood sugar, sleep deprivation, physical pain… all of that can cloud your focus and dim the light. But focusing on your imagined future—the sights, sounds, feelings of what it will be like when you’re living it—can pull you back into the motivation to motion to chase your goal.

That’s the power of future pacing.

Don’t Let the Past Steal Your Future

Maybe when you were a kid, you dreamed.

You had ambition. Optimism. Maybe you even believed big things were coming.

Then you were criticized, or embarrassed. Maybe someone told you to be “realistic.” So you shut down the hope. Dimmed the light. 

And now? You avoid hope because it feels like a setup for disappointment.

Let me remind you of something:

You’re not living your childhood anymore.

And the people who would criticize your dreams? They probably shouldn’t be a big part of your life now.

This is your life. Your future. You’re the one walking around in it.

If you want your future to be full of purpose and meaning, you have to correct the ways you sabotage yourself.

That will reinstall your passion.

Here are just a few of the usual Sabotage Suspects:

1. Disillusionment – what you tell yourself (or what others have told you) that you believed
   
   
2. Past-focused thinking – staying stuck on what already happened
   
   
3. Protective pessimism – giving up, downplaying what matters, telling yourself it’s not that important
   
   
4. Deductive reasoning – using what you already “know” (logic, history, past beliefs) to limit your options, instead of using inductive reasoning (imagination, possibility, vision) to expand your future possibilities
   
   

The newly engaged couples I mentioned? They are reverse engineering their lives.

They start from the future—their vision—and work backward to decide which actions they need to take now to make that future real.

It seems simple when the topic is getting married. But what if we did this for everything else that matters, too?

Make Your Vow to the Future

So let’s take a cue from these couples. Maybe it’s time you made a vow—not just to a person, but to your dreams.

Say it with me (or tweak it to fit your vision):

“From this day forward, I commit to future pacing my thoughts and imagination. I promise to love, honor, and cherish my dreams through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for better or worse. I make this vow with mature intention, because achieving my dreams gives my life purpose and meaning. I want to live abundantly in the sacred life I’ve been given—for my benefit, for those I love, and for the greater good. Till death do I part from this Earth.”

It’s not just a mindset.

It’s a mission.

And you deserve to chase it—relentlessly.

Want help reconnecting with your vision—or building a shared one with your partner?

Let’s talk. Contact Me Here »